Being a “Boy Mom”

Well, parenting boys has been a real adventure.  I mean it.  It has been eye opening and at times shocking.  Sometimes I get really pissed and sometimes I laugh my ass off at my boys.  There are definitely things you must get use to to survive being a “Boy Mom”.

Here goes:

10.  Noises from the body.  Honestly, I have never really had an issue with this one b/c my family has always bored a little on the crass side with burping and farting and I can see the humor in it.  However, my boys take this to a whole new level.  They drink liquid just to see who can burp the loudest.  It goes on for hours (not really but it seems that way).  The farting gets on my nerves. My oldest spawn thinks it is super funny to come up to another family member and pass gas directly on us or in our face.  That is just rude and I tell him that every time.  It doesn’t seem to sink in.  Even when I yell and get crazy, I see him disappear around the corner and giggle.  UGH!!!!!!!

9. Hungry Much:  I always heard boys could eat you out of house and home. Well, it is absolutely true.  I only have two and we go to Costco once a week.  Yep, you heard me right.  We buy those big cartons of fruit (strawberries, raspberries, blueberries and grapes) and these monkeys wipe it out.  Sometimes they eat more than John and I eat in a seating.  And they are always snacking.  The snacking never ends.  My pantry door doesn’t get a break after school and on the weekends.  I dread when they are teenagers.

8.  Safety:  It doesn’t exist with boys.  Their frontal lobe of their brains don’t develop until late in life…you know…the part that actually thinks through actions and sees the possible results or consequences.  My youngest spawn wouldn’t care what the consequences and results are, he would do it anyway.  He is 110% all the time whether he should be or not.  He runs as hard and fast as he can, he climbs up things that weren’t meant for humans and has literally had more black eyes than I can count.  We have had stitches, a bead up a nose, tons of scraps and bruises and just recently staples in the head.  Funny enough, most of the serious injuries have been with my oldest.  I blame his parents because we don’t hover over him so much.  He is my calm, responsible child.  Maybe I should rethink my take on him since the staple incident.  Don’t worry, I say my prayers regularly in hopes that they don’t end up with worse injuries.  Our charts at Children’s Hospital are impressive.  We are lucky though….no broken bones yet…but my oldest is only 5.  I’m not sure what is going to happen when we add a 3rd child!  Yeesh…especially if it is another boy.

7.  Bath Time:  This might be my favorite because I don’t get crazy on this one.  John does.  Boys do not calmly bath themselves.  Our bath time looks like a bomb went off in the bathroom.  Water on the walls, on the floors, on the parents.  John usually loses it at least once a bath night.  Our youngest spawn can’t control himself (frontal lobe issues) and has been yanked out of the bath more times than I can count for his bad behavior.  Not to mention…they love to pass gas in the bathtub and grab each other (see #4).  Nothing sets the giggles off from my two like seeing bubbles rising in the bath!

6.  Clothes are a joke:  Clothes are a joke to my boys.  They only wear them because I tell them they have to everyday.  They ruin them.  You wouldn’t believe the things I find grinded into their school uniforms and everyday clothes.  I can’t tell you how many how to remove the stain articles I have read and followed.  So if you see me out and my kids look rough, yep, squarely blame it on me.  It is totally not worth putting them in nice clothes.  I’m fine with being judged in this regard.

5. Clothes really are a joke:  There is nothing my boys enjoy more than their own bodies.  One of their favorite things to do: get out of the bathtub and run around nude.  They chase each other, they wrestle and hit each other….all while nude.  I imagine my house on any given day or night might look like a scene from a Greek bath.  Not to mention, they love laying in bed with no clothes on.  Can’t say I blame them.

4.  Touching it:  This goes with the nudity.  I have never witnessed the likes of what my boys do everyday.  They are always touching themselves. Grabbing their “tallywhackers” as we call it in our household, is a hobby, a way of life, a leisurely activity.  I can’t tell you how many times a day it happens but it could be while eating a meal (yep, they go right back to eating after the grabbing), in the bath, watching tv, hanging out with friends and family, and most inappropriately in public.  I have become immune to it but it still is crazy to watch!

3.  And the Award goes to:  I thought girls were dramatic…ha…that’s a joke.  My boys are all drama.  If they aren’t fighting over something, they are whining about something and the crying never ends.  No, it is not a lack of parenting.  They are just dramatic.  The emotional meltdown that transpired after the oldest spawn gets beaten hanging on the monkey bars by the youngest spawn is one to remember.  Or the sob fest that the youngest spawn has every night when he can’t use mouthwash like the oldest spawn.  Or the epic meltdown when I ask oldest spawn to make his bed in the morning and put his pjs away.  Or every Friday morning, both kids not wanting to get out of bed because they are so tired from the week.  Whining, crying, pouting.  It never ends.

2. Messy:  I should have known better.  My husband wasn’t exactly a neat freak when I met him.  He had mildew on his towels and it didn’t bother him.  I should have known what came from his loins would be no different.  My boys have been known to drag every toy known to man out into the floor and then be upset that there is no more room to play with even more toys.  Clean it up!  Yeah, right!  Dropping blobs of food on your clothing would concern most…not my boys.  Having a bowel movement in your pants while at the park would entice most of us to want a change.  Not my boys.  They go for the dramatic fit (see #3) because they have to stop playing at the park.  Or how about peeing on the toilet then dripping it down their legs.  Nah, no biggie, they don’t clean up the toilet (see #1) and they wipe it off their legs with their pants.  Awesome.

And for the grand finale….

1.  The never ending battle with the toilet.  Seriously, I never imagined this one would be so hard or gross. I thought it should be fun for the boys.  You get to hit the target.  Oh, yeah….not so easy.  In the short time they use the potty, their minds wander and there is pee on the other parts of the toilet, the floor and walls.  Really!?!  Mind boggling.  I try to be diligent about making sure they do a good job with putting the lid down.  Unfortunately, it backfired.  They leave the seat down and pee on it.  Then I sit in it.  Yuck.  And flushing…this is a hit or a miss.  Sometimes they do it.  Sometimes they don’t.  Cleaning up after boy’s in a bathroom is just simply gross.

For all of you “Boy” moms out there, I salute you.  We live in a war zone everyday and sometimes it is hard to come out on the other side with our sanity!

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